My Siha
by winternightlullaby
Summary: After the Collector mission, Shepard discovers one thing she never saw herself as: a woman. As Thane comforts her, she finds herself feeling alive and happy. "You are you. You are my siha."
1. Siha

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect. If I did, Thane wouldn't have died and we wouldn't get that crappy ending.

Please note that there will be some slight OOC-ness. Do not flame and please leave constructive criticism. This fic is rated M for slight sexual situations. This is after the Collector mission!

* * *

She stared herself through the mirror, naked and unfazed.

Cerberus had done a nice job in rebuilding her body, she'd give them that. She never took the time to notice it though.

What'd anyone expect? Commander Shepard, first human Spectre, was too busy running around saving the galaxy to look at imperfections. She looked at the imperfections of her choices, of everyone's choices and well-being. But not hers. She had Chakwas who would worry about her well-being and making sure she was in the best shape before kicking ass on Tuchanka or any other planet.

But what about Thane? He worried about her too, but she always assured him that she was fine. Was she? Here she is, standing naked in front of her mirror and finally noticing that she was…a woman.

When she was younger, she dreamed of being a soldier. Nice big gun, good armor and a ship to command, like her older brother had. But sometimes, she dreamed about a wedding, a family she would make with the love of her life.

She didn't expect to fall in love with a drell, but she definitely didn't mind. And neither did her brother, who laughed and teased her with little jokes like 'Sis, you _hallucinating_?' or 'Is this what a drell-human baby would look like?' with a terrible drawing of what passed as a baby in his eyes. She smiled at the thought of actually having Thane's child, but she shoved it away. Being pregnant while fighting the Reapers would not be good for anybody.

But once, her brother would pull her aside with a serious look on his face, like the one he gave her when she told him she was in love with Thane.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes, brother."

"You're still a girl, you know. Sometimes you should live like one." She had given him a questioning stare.

"And how would I do that? Two things: The Reapers are still out there and I was practically raised like a man."

"A soldier," he corrected sagely. Then he scratched his head. "I wouldn't know, I'm not a girl. Just remember that you are and don't let this Reaper business get to you." She scoffed.

"I can say the same for you. When you realized we were about to reach the Collector base you checked your gun a kabillion times. I'm fine."

After the base had blown up, she removed her armor in her room and showered off dirt and blood. When she wrapped a towel around herself and walked past her mirror, she suddenly came to the realization that she had curves and breasts.

Even when she made love to Thane that night, her mind was on living and trying to make it count. If they lived, they could continue their relationship. Which they did. And she was happy, so why was she so…insecure? She felt like she was a kid again who discovered she was getting assets. Emphasis on the ass. That was a joke.

When she heard her door open she knew who it was. Even her own brother was locked out because when they were kids he would waltz in and screw up her stuff. Hell, the last time she let him into her cabin he turned over Kaidan's picture and replaced it with his horrible baby drawing.

She quickly grabbed her towel and wrapped it around herself and sat on the bed with her back to her visitor. Her face flamed in embarrassment. How was she going to explain this?

She felt him sit behind her, a scaled hand reaching out and taking her shoulder.

"Siha," said Thane, his deep rumbling voice calming her. Shepard turned and smiled at him.

"Hi, Thane." His deep black eyes blinked at the sight of her face. She was with no doubt tired. But there was more than just fatigue he was seeing.

"Are you all right, siha?" he asked, touching her face gently. She smiled and kissed him with the same gentleness. He relaxed upon her touch and responded by wrapping his arms around her, holding her closer until she was sitting in his lap. To his dismay, she pulled away and grinned when he growled.

"I'm fine, Thane." She was lying to him. He knew it. He wanted no secrets between them and felt hurt that she was hiding her sorrow. If she was suffering, he wanted to help as she did for him.

"Siha, you are lying to me," he replied flatly. Her eyes widened a fraction. She didn't want to tell him since it seemed so petty, but she didn't want to lie either. She tried getting up, but Thane's grip was firm. His eyes were stern like how they were when he punched her desk before reaching the Omega 4 relay.

"You are," he accused. Shepard sighed, wrapping her arms around him and resting her chin on his shoulder, taking in the scent of leather.

"It's complicated…" she whispered. He smiled.

"I have doubt that it is more complicated then killing Reapers," he said jokingly, hoping to ease her tension. That got him a half-laugh.

"Girl problems are way more complicated. I'm used to being a soldier, not a girl." Thane stroked her dark hair.

"Perhaps I can be of some assistance? Problems are problems, more opinions generate more solutions."

"Like any mission?" she quipped dryly. "Okay, I'll tell you." She tried moving away, but he still held her in place. He smiled pleasantly.

"So I have to do it on your terms?" she asked, staring at the drell blankly.

"If you would be so kind." He was messing around with her. The assassin who could snap her neck when they first met was actually making jokes and poking fun at her. She faked a heavy sigh.

"Okay fine…." How could she say this without looking dumb? The whole problem was.

"I was taking a shower and when I walked out, I past the mirror. That's when I noticed that…I'm a woman. Hear me out," she added when he looked like he would interrupt. Thane couldn't help but wonder what she meant.

"I assure you, siha, you are very much a woman." She smiled and pecked him on the cheek.

"Aren't you just cute? But…I never saw myself as one. I mean, I have so much going on, I forget what I am. I forget that I'm human and a girl and my brother told me that I should just take a break for myself. He should do the same for himself. I see him all tired and stressed out, why should I relax if my own brother can't?" Thane sighed quietly.

"Siha, your brother didn't die and resurrect. He is simply protective of you because he wasn't there the first time. He is reminding you of what you are. You are his family." Shepard looked away. She felt guilt and emptiness in her stomach. He was looking out for her. She remembered when he stormed into the Normandy a little after Horizon.

Shepard had jumped at the sight of her brother, who looked like he had seen a ghost. For a few minutes, they said nothing as he caught his breath, then raced towards each other at mach speed. The Shepard siblings embraced and she had cried plenty into the armor so familiar to her. She vaguely remembered him saying how sorry he was and voiced his dislike for Kaidan after she told him what he had said. He had called Kaidan a bastard, a traitor, and much more.

She thought about the whole Lazarus Project. She remembered the logs about her procedure, citing the money spent and the complications faced for the whole two years she was dead. How much of her was left when they first began?

"Thane, I'm a Cerberus experiment. Four billion credits worth of fancy tech and a hot body. Maybe I'm a VI who thinks she's Commander Shepard. Maybe I'm not my brother's little sister he lost. The real sister is probably with Kalahira." She started to tear up. God, she was a woman. Thane tilted her face up and she saw the happiness and love in his eyes.

"You are you. You are my siha." He leaned her onto the bed and grabbed the top of her towel. It was gone in an instant and cool air tickled her now naked body. Thane dropped the towel and stared into her eyes.

"This is all you." His hand caressed her bare shoulders, down to her breasts, then rested warmly on her stomach. She shivered at his touch, closing her eyes in pleasure.

"Thane," she whispered. He leaned down, lips near hers so she could feel them barely touching.

"I love you, siha." She smirked suddenly.

"I love you too." Her arms snaked around and brought their lips together in a passionate kiss.

For tonight, she felt good. As a woman, as Commander Shepard. She could stop thinking about the theories of what she was because she now had someone who loved her more than she felt like she deserved.

As he pressed his body against hers, she felt alive.

Her brother remained in the mess hall with a cup of coffee and Gardner as company.

"You look tense," the chef commented. He seemed to just notice Gardner.

"What? I'm not. Just thinking." Gardner offered more coffee.

"About your sister? You usually have that look on your face when she's injured. She has Thane to take care of her, no offense. And she can care for herself." Her brother sipped the coffee.

"You're right. She may be a woman, but she's still a Shepard." He thought about Thane, smirking in approval at his sister's choice. It was damn better than Alenko. She deserved more than she thought she did.

He smirked again, but for a different reason. He asked for a paper and colored pens from Gardner, then got to work on a project.

Several hours later, a picture of a drell-human baby was taped to the fridge. This time it was perfectly drawn and life-like. Her face was red when she snatched the drawing off, Thane chuckling quietly with mild embarrassment.

"_**BROTHER**_!"

* * *

Mass Effect oneshot ftw! I might do some more, but this one just popped up in my head!

-winternightlullaby out


	2. There

A/N: To clarify, yes, default male Shepard is my Shepard's older brother! This was written very quickly, please excuse any poor grammar of spelling!

It was supposed to be a little mission on Illium. Commander Shepard was always doing nice things for people, this was no different. A young human her age was working a kiosk when Shepard heard her freaking out.

"Oh, God…" the woman had moaned, trembling between bursting into tears and passing out. Shepard, who was with Kasumi and Jack, approached the woman.

"Are you all right?" Shepard asked. The woman jerked at her voice and turned around, her makeup running with tears.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you," she said. Shepard shook her head.

"It's okay. Can we help you with anything?" The woman hesitated, eyes darting side to side as if debating.

Then she spoke. "M-my husband's in the hospital. I just got the call that he might not make it. My vehicle's being borrowed by a friend and I don't have my money to pay for a transit car because I left my credits in my car. I can't see him." Shepard nodded, pitying the woman. She thought about Thane for a moment, then shook herself out of it before it progressed. 'I can't think of Thane like this. He's still here with me.'

"Ma'am, I can pay for the transit car," she offered. The woman shook her heard fiercely.

"No, I can't! I'm a stranger." Shepard went up to her, patting her shoulder.

"Your husband needs you. Don't worry about the money. We'll escort you" She nodded to Kasumi, who went to get a car. The woman burst into tears.

"Thank you," she sobbed, clinging to Shepard. Shepard's heart tore. This woman was going through something she hoped wouldn't come to her, but she knew it would happen.

Shepard sped the car through traffic, Jack sitting next to her and Kasumi and the woman in the back.

"Shepard, you really want to help this chick?" asked Jack. Shepard didn't take her eyes off the road.

"Her husband needs her, Jack," she replied patiently. Jack shrugged.

"Whatever. You find a guy, fuck him, and move on. Don't waste your time with the hassle of being with him. You might end up going through shit like this." Before Shepard could retort, Kasumi piped in.

"Like Shep?" she chirped. Jack groaned.

"Dammit, now I'm sorry."

They reached the hospital the woman asked for, who hurried to get out. They raced to the reception desk.

"I'm looking for Dekan Thinitos. I'm his wife Arami," said the woman. The receptionist, a bored asari, flipped through her Omni-tool.

"Room 315. It's in ICU, so we can't allow visitors to contaminate the place." Shepard furiously moved forward.

"Her husband is dying," she hissed, angry at the asari's aloofness. "Show some compassion."

Sympathy flooded the asari's face.

"Oh, I'm sorry." She sounded genuine. "Go right in."

"Bitch," Jack muttered before following Shepard, Kasumi and Arami into the elevator.

Once the floor was reached, Arami rushed into the room marked '315.'

Inside was a dark blue drell with an oxygen mask on. Shepard froze. 'No way, it can't be…'

"Dekan!" Arami cried, collapsing at his side. Dekan struggled for breath, surprised to see her.

"Arami? You shouldn't have come. I-" He coughed, violent and long-lasting. Kasumi's hand flew to Shepard's arm and grasping it to comfort her. She knew about Shepard's relationship with Thane. His room was right next to hers after all.

"I-I don't have much time." He sucked in a breath, smiling weakly at Arami. "I didn't want you to see this." Arami bent to kiss him, removing the oxygen mask with the utmost care.

"I'm your wife. If I'm not here until the end, it means I never loved you." Dekan looked happy.

"I love you, Arami. Come closer." Shepard felt tears down her face. To her left was Kasumi, crying under her hood. To her right, Jack was struggling not to cry.

"Fuck this shit, I'm out." She turned and stomped out before she rubbed at her eyes with her arm. Shepard was about to chastise her when Dekan coughed again.

"Kepral's is a cruel disease," said Arami bitterly. Dekan smiled.

"It truly is. But I have a few moments left, I want it to be with you." He closed his eyes.

"Kalahira, I wish for forgiveness. For not being beside my love for the rest of her life, for not loving her enough to call myself her husband. Arashu, watch over my beloved siha, her heart is true and worthy of your praise. Amonkira, grant my siha the strength to move on for I cannot." Arami closed the gap between them and kissed him one last time.

Shepard was led out by Kasumi, who shut the door as Arami sobbed into Dekan's blanket, the machine flat-lining sound buzzing in the room. She struggled to remain indifferent, tears slipping onto the ground.

"Shep," said Kasumi quietly.

"Normandy. We need to go back to the Normandy." She spoke fast, not caring if she jumbled the words.

The girls were back in the Normandy at record speed. Joker whistled.

"Home sweet-Hey!" Shepard ignored him and ran off.

"What's happened to her?" he asked, preparing to take off. Kasumi wiped off the rest of her tears and sighed and stood behind his chair, leaning on the head rest.

"Well..."

When Shepard went into the elevator, her brother was just leaving the armory.

"Sis?" The elevator shut before he saw her face.

She was on her way to the cabin, stripping off her armor until she was bare. When the elevator opened she dumped the armor in a corner and changed into a tank top and sleep shorts. She jumped onto her bed and cried everything she was bottling up inside. She didn't want to lose Thane. She knew how hurt she would be, this was all her fault.

Seeing Dekan and Arami at the hospital only told her everything she would feel when Thane would reach that point. If she broke it off with him now, she might as well shoot herself with the Cain. Thane would be even more miserable then than he probably was now.

"EDI," she called out, her voice cracking.

"Yes, Shepard? You seem distraught."

"No, just…call Thane up please."

"Right away, Commander." She had to stop crying. She didn't want Thane to think she was some weakling. She was his siha, goddammit.

"Siha?" She jumped, seeing him approach the bed. When was he there?

"Thane." He saw her tears, concern filling him to the core.

"You were crying again." She sniffed, holding her arms out to him. He removed his jacket and joined her in the bed, holding her closely to his chest.

"What happened?" She snuggled into him, feeling him just _there_. She hoped he wouldn't disappear from his arms.

"To put it short, we were in Illium helping a woman get to the hospital. Her husband was dying from Kepral's." He sucked in a breath.

"I see. You…imagined us in their position?" She nodded dumbly, her voice choking with tears.

"I don't want to lose you." She sobbed and clung onto him. He held her tighter, trying desperately not to cry.

"And I you." She released him a bit to kiss him, which he returned gladly. His tongue slipped into her mouth, caressing hers gently.

He was there. He was there with her. He wasn't leaving her now. She thought of what Liara told her.

"_It's not about how much time you have. It's about what you do with it."_ Her voice rang out in her head and soothed her significantly. She would love Thane until the end. She wouldn't worry about anything else for now.

When he thrust into her, her body arched to meet him. Their bodies rocked together, illuminated by the light from the fish tank.

"T-Thane!" she moaned, feeling her peak. He didn't stop, thrusting harder and faster. Their moans filled the room.

"Siha," he panted, finishing. She shuddered and held onto him, resting her cheek in his.

He didn't leave her side.

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Read and review! Got a prompt? I'll try it out! I can't do anything with hardcore lemon though…please provide a lemon or I can try the best I can! I will not be posting soon as I have another story to write a chapter to, and college is out to kill me so war is ON!

-winternightlullaby out


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